SQUIDISM: WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO AVOID IT

I'm not going to climb on my high horse and start bleating away about what riders should wear when they hit the streets because what a rider chooses to wear is entirely their own choice. And to be honest, my moral high horse is a three-legged nag gasping its last breath, praying for death while buzzards circle overhead. As far as I'm concerned, riders can wear whatever they like when they ride, whether I agree with it or not. Hell, nobody put me in charge and my opinion is just one man's opinion. It's an interesting topic though that has particular relevance to Learners. And if you're a Learner wondering whether the expense of protective gear is worth it or not, and considering the gear you ride in is so important in so many ways, it's certainly worth taking a closer look at the importance of gear and while we're at it, the global phenomenon of Squidism. 

For the record I am an ATGATT (All The Gear All The Time) kinda guy for several reasons. Firstly, I value my skin and after being involved in a pretty horrible crash I've experienced the value of high quality protective clothing first hand. Without my RST TrakTec boots for example the injuries to my right foot would have been far worse. 

My leather jacket and pants also kept my skin where it belongs: on my body and not smeared across the road surface like raspberry jam. The paramedic in the ambulance even held up my surviving boot and said, "This probably saved your foot mate" and thanked me for wearing it. Less for them to scoop up I guess and every time they get a call out for a motorcycle accident, they must hit the lights and siren expecting to spatula the remnants of some Squid's arescheeks from the bitumen.   

    This ground chuck belongs to a 27 year old male. Surgeons eventually rebuilt his foot but even the rebuilt version looks pretty mangled. You can track his journey here. Warning: medical jargon alert...but the pics are priceless.

With my crash, if I had have been wearing sneakers or normal footwear, the damage to my foot would have most likely have been irreparable. This was confirmed to me in the trauma department at the Alfred Hospital while waiting to be wheeled into theater and chatting to one of the surgeons who would be wielding the scalpel who as it turned out, was a fellow rider. He asked me about what I was wearing and after I told him he lifted the sheet and took a long, hard look at what remained of my right foot and said thoughtfully, "Good thing too mate. Otherwise we would have had very little to work with." And when a surgeon in the trauma department in one of the nation's busiest hospitals tells you your boot prevented your foot being reduced to a bloodied stump, that's the kind of thing you should really pay attention to. So even though I was at ATGATT guy before, that experience just confirmed my choice. 

I had to link this pic and without being too dramatic it's one of those images that once seen, cannot be unseen. Which is why it comes with a

 EXTREME GORE CONTENT WARNING!

 Cruiser riders look pretty mean with open-faced helmets, except when they face plant onto the road and then it's not just the helmet that's open-faced. If you're thinking of buying an open-faced helmet, you need to see this pic. If I was the guy in this photo I'd asking for a pen and paper so I could write the words, 'KILL ME'. 

But the other reasons I wear the gear, and this may make me sound like a complete wanker but I'll say it anyway, is that the gear itself is pretty cool. Donning a heavy leather jacket, armoured at the elbows and shoulders, with armoured gloves that could punch a hole through a car door (I've never tested that statement despite being tempted several times) and a pair of tough-as-guts-boots makes it easy to imagine I'm dressing for battle and getting ready to not only do something I love, but something that's dangerous enough to require some pretty serious protective equipment. That feeling alone is enough to wear the gear. But that's just me and if that makes me sound like a tosser well, I've been called worse. 

   '"Just wear what you've got on" they said. "What could go wrong?" They said.'

I do have one serious gripe about people who don't wear protective gear and tear around wearing shorts and singlets though, and that's that they make ALL motorcyclists look like a pack of retards with no regard for their own safety. Drivers (and by drivers I mean non-riders) tend to lump us in as one big group and when a minority choose to ride unprotected, it helps shape the view of all of us and unfortunately that view is already negative.  When the average driver spots a Squid in traffic, the notion that motorcyclists as a whole are dangerous risk takers who are inherently dangerous to all road users and pedestrians is cemented. That's an impression that's proven very hard to shake.  

   There's nothing like some new rear sets, until they are driven 4cm into your knee that this.

So let's take a closer look at the phenomenon of Squidism, what it means to be a Squid, the vast differences between them and the majority of riders who are dedicated and committed to responsible and conscientious riding and the many options available to Learner riders who may be considering joining the ranks of the Squid army.

So what is a Squid? Well, according to the often amusing and usually well informed Urban Dictionary, a Squid is:

'A young motorcyclist who overestimates his abilities, boasts of his riding skills when in reality he has none. Squid bikes are usually decorated with chrome and various anodized bits. Rear tyres are too wide for their own good, swingarm extended. Really slow in the corners, and sudden bursts of acceleration when a straight appears. Squids wear no protection, deeming themselves invincible. This fact compounds itself with the fact that they engage in 'extreem riding'--performing wheelies and stoppies in public areas. Squids wreck a lot. Derived from 'squirly kid' 

 Gloves do more than look cool, gauntlet gloves will prevent injuries like this.  

                         

               If the guy above was wearing these bad boys, his wrists would still be in one piece and let's face it, these gloves are the duck's arse.       
                   

Squidism extends beyond just riding without wearing gear that protects you from serious injury and in potentially death. It's an attitude, a mindset and a set of priorities that differs greatly from that of the legitimate non-Squid rider. The Squid's attraction to motorcycles often has far less to do with a love and respect for motorcycles as vehicular works of art, or examples of masterful engineering or drool-worthy machines that scream to be ridden but whose potential speed demands respect. 

  Nice arse...well, what's left of it. The guy on the couch looks half munted as well. 

For the Squid, his/her motorcycle is more of a toy to be played with, something they hope will impress their friends and the general public and allow them to be the center of attention. The legitimate rider may rev their engine at a set of lights to overcome a less than perfect idle. The Squid will do it to ensure everyone is aware they are there. There's no doubt that Squids love their bikes as much as the rest of us, but they augment them with all sorts of accessories and bits and pieces that are almost always visual additions. The term Squid therefore extends far beyond just what a rider wears or, as in the case of the visually disturbing image below, don’t wear. 

      "In Kazakhstan, the favourite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape and table tennis Yagshemash!"

A real rider strives to improve their technique so they can go faster while maintaining greater control and an always improving skill set that allows them to get the most out of their machines and themselves. But rather than going fast for the sake of it in a mindless quest to demonstrate the absence of a sense of self preservation and high risk idiocy, a legitimate rider understands that speed is a byproduct of correct technique. 

  You gotta admit, a hot chick pulling a wheelie is pretty  hot. She'd be hotter wrapped in booty-hugging black  leather though. Personally, I find a hot lap hotter. 

Going fast for the serious rider is all about utilising the power and engineering of their bike in a gradual learning curve that matches the potential of their bike with the potential growth of their ability. The Squid however, often has an over inflated opinion of their skills which is evident if you've ever ridden with a group of them. They tend to corner slow and accelerate fast on the straights because as everyone knows: Everyone is fast in a straight line. Quite often, Squids simply don't bother to learn how to ride well. And that goes against the very ethos of the vast majority of road riders. Squids don't think it's necessary to improve their skills because by their estimation they are already the best riders on the road. 

 A full faced helmet is the only way to save face if you find yourself kissing bitumen. 

Speed for speed's sake is often the goal of the Squid. For the committed rider though, speed is more about proving to themselves they are ready for the next level of improvement in their riding and as any serious rider will freely admit, there's always more to learn and more complex riding skills to perfect. Nailing optimal entry and exit speed, smoother weight transition in the twisties, intuitive recognition of road hazards and increasing their level of overall road craft regardless of speed...these are the goals of the rider who has a mature and conscientious attitude and approach. For the Squid, waiting for delivery of their new anodised rearsets or waiting for the glue to dry on their helmet mohawk takes priority over perfecting the skills required to become a truly proficient rider, because what matters most is gaining the attention of onlookers rather than the respect of the majority of riders who are committed to increasing their level of control, precision and ability on the road. 

 Eew! Tendon, meat, bone and sinew belongs on the inside of your foot and not the other way around. Christ Almighty on a friggin' pogo stick, that would 

 be absolute bloody agony.

  There's so much going wrong here I don't even know where to begin.

Squids are also over represented in crash/injury statistics which is further evidence they are a dangerous minority that do more harm than good...often to themselves and their bikes. Aside from the attitude and approach to riding as an frivolous activity the average Squid being young and  relatively inexperienced, cand with a habit of riding in a way that many would consider high risk, it's not surprising that they are over represented in motorcycle crash statistics. Only a few countries actually record what a motorcyclist was wearing during their collisions and unfortunately, it seems no state in Australia does. There is however, Monash University's ongoing study into crash data and injury which demonstrates that the less protective gear a rider wears, the greater the seriousness of the injuries they sustain. That's why I included a link on the right side so Learners tempted to embark on a life of Squidliness can see what may lie ahead. Even without the data to verify it, it's a no brainer that the less gear you wear the more serious your injuries will be if you come to grief. 

       This guy looks like he's gone 10 rounds with a wire    brush.  As Cleveland Brown would say, "Oh, that's nasty" 

The most obvious downside of being a squid are the injuries that can be sustained by sliding across coarse, bitumen roads. Roads look smooth when you're in a car because the imperfections in the surface cannot be seen at speed. But up close, most road surfaces are incredibly coarse and unforgiving to skin, flesh, tendon and bone when it slides across it, even at relatively low speeds. 

 "Well, that all went a bit tits up didn't it?"

The human body is a delicate instrument and isn't designed to withstand that sort of abuse. If you slide across the road without at least some form of protective gear, the road surface will strip and burn off your skin and depending on the speed and how hard you hit the road , grind out strips of meaty flesh. That makes for a long and agonising wait for the ambos to cart you an emergency room where they will dig out the tattered remnants of fabric from your clothing which is now embedded in your flesh. The process of scrubbing the grit, dirt and road grime from your second or third degree burn is apparently one of the least pleasant experiences a person can have. And  finally, plastic surgeons will remove sections of tissue and skin from your arse cheek or thigh to replace the skin you've lost. As someone who has experienced a the last one, trust me when I say it's a lengthy process that will give you an entirely new understanding of pain. Imagine being tattooed by a sandblaster and you're about halfway to what it feels like when nerves in the donor site begin reconnecting and switching back on. 

 This is Brittany Morrow who was riding pillion and came off hard. Ouch. 

In my crash the injuries were all compression and impact injuries caused by my leg absorbing the force of a car travelling at at least 100 kph. I'm not guessing that speed or exaggerating for effect either. The crash scene investigators and the recreationist who collect and analyse crash scenes for the cops determined the offending vehicle's speed to be between 95 and 115 kph. I managed to avoid the full impact of the oncoming car by flicking the bike to the left but the impact was sufficient to leave me with 14 fractures (12 of which were in my right leg) and a degloved foot despite wearing boots and leathers. I hit the road hard, which broke my right wrist and pushed my left thumb through the glove, which gives you an idea of the impact of my landing. I slid across the road surface, on my right hip, right elbow and shoulder before hitting the curb and ending up on the footpath. 

  That's one bad ass bruise

If I had have been wearing regular street clothes my degloved foot may have been severed entirely or crushed beyond repair, and the slide across the road would have skinned most of my right side. If that experience taught me anything, it's that my decision to purchase and wear quality leather gear was well worth the investment. And that was something I chose to do. Which brings me to my next point. Squidism is a choice, not a necessity. 

 Sneakers come a poor second compared to a sturdy pair of motorcycle boots.

The fact is every Squid who has ever sustained injuries, and I'm referring only to abrasion injuries and not those sustained by impact. Nothing will protect you from an 80 kph impact with a power pole for example and in that situation as far as protection goes, you may as well be in your undies. But every road-rashed Squid has sustained their injuries out of choice. So why would anyone make the choice not to adequately protect themselves? One obvious argument against wearing heavy leather gear in summer is that it is simply too hot to be comfortable. A rider in full leathers riding on a 40+ degree day risks heat exhaustion and potentially heat stroke which can, if left untreated and in the most extreme cases, be fatal. 

 Kinda speaks for itself doesn't it?

Wearing leathers is stupid when the mercury rises beyond a certain point. And if you're uncomfortable while riding, sweating profusely and not replenishing lost fluid and electrolytes, soon your concentration will begin to wane and you're making riding safely very hard for yourself and putting yourself in a potentially very dangerous position. 

Last summer after being trapped in the house by day after day of 40+ temperatures I was fanging for a ride so much that I thought, "Bugger this for a giggle. I don't care how bloody hot it is. I'm hitting the streets." So I donned my gear and stepped outside, which was like walking out of a fridge and into a furnace, threw the helmet on and, already sweating like a fat man on a crowded tram, threw the leg over and with a mighty VAROOM! I was off. 

 "Fang it Barry, the 'All You Can Eat Plus a Whole Chicken Breakfast Special' ends in 10 minutes!" 

After being on the bike for about 5 minutes I had passed the point of merely being drenched in sweat. I was practically making my own gravy. I went around the block and pulled back into the driveway and for the first time realised why so many young blokes ride unprotected in extreme heat. If I didn't have a car I'd be tempted to make the ride more bearable by wearing the least amount of clothing too. But I knew there was relatively simple solution: the next day I bought a textile jacket which is lighter, breathes far better and is designed to allow air to pass straight through it while still offering excellent protection with CE II approved armour in the shoulders, elbows and forearms. So even when it's stinking hot there's no reasonable excuse for not wearing at least the minimal amount of protection. In  crash the textile jacket won't protect me like my leathers will, but they come a pretty close second. 

 I wonder what's heavier, the rider or the bike? Notice how her feet barely touch the ground? That's a glaring sign that she's too short for the bike which at the risk of sounding either sexist, fattist (is that even a word?) or both, is totally wasted on that fat sack of crap.

So unless you choose to be a Squid there's no excuse for being one.  But to go back to that fatefully stinking hot day, I also had an option that many younger Learner riders don't have. I could have jumped into my gloriously air conditioned car and driven to my destination in wonderful Arctic temperatures that would make an Emperor Penguin exclaim, "Dayam, it's colder 'n an ice box up in dis mo'fucker" Don't ask me why a penguin would speak like some low rent 80's gang banger, because I have no idea. But for many a young Squidlet, their bike is their only means of getting from A to B.

 It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye...and about 40% of their skin. 

Take into account that a lot of young guys don't have wads of disposable cash bulging from their pockets and in a world with a constantly rising cost of living and ever decreasing part time shifts and reducing working hours, having a car and a bike just isn't an option for many young crackers. So when the weather heats up, unlike many older and more cashed up riders, they don't have the option of sliding into their gloriously air conditioned cars and travelling in sweat free comfort and arrive at their destination as fresh as a pre-moistened towlet. So if you don't have a car the bike is the only way to go. And if the weather is prohibitively hot to wear the gear, then shorts and T-shirts become a pretty attractive option. 

 Speaking of attractive options, there's quite a lot to like in this photo. Custom paint job, shorty exhaust, fender eliminator. Oh and the gorgeous brunette who risks launching herself from her bike like a leggy human cannonball.

But of course there are many other options that can be worn to protect riders and keep them cool in the heat when the mercury rises higher than a bride's nightie. I've been using leathers as an example of protective gear but an armoured textile jacket with all the liners removed allows air to flow through and is a much better option than a T-shirt or a singlet. Motorcycle footwear doesn't just mean heavy boots either, there are lighter, cooler options available that look like regular shoes, but which offer superior protection. And gloves may make your hands sweat and stink a bit, but compared to the risk of injury to your hands if you come off, a bit of sweaty hand stink makes them more than worth it. 

  Surely there are better ways to get a tan? 

All any potential Squid has to do is google 'summer motorcycle gear' to find a wealth of options. It not brains science...wait, I mean rocket surgery. Ah hell, you know what I mean. Squidism is a choice and when you think about it, a pretty stupid one at that. So if you're tempted to ride in shorts and a singlet and you're justifying it by claiming it's too hot for anything else then you're ignoring the wealth of options available to you to keep you protected and less overheated than you'd expect.

Considering the only protection you have on a bike is what you're wearing, adequate protection, even the minimum amount of protection, is obviously better than nothing. But that's pretty freakin' obvious. The other thing to consider if you're a Learner tempted to save some coin and just ride around in your street clothes, is the agonising pain of being injured and the long, painful months it can take to heal. And there's also the embarrassment of having to tell everyone that your hideous deformities are entirely your own fault. When recovering from a serious motorcycle injury, you'll need every bit of assistance, sympathy and good will from friends and family you can get. That shrinks down to the bare minimum when you're asking for help and the people helping you are being put out because of injuries you sustained by ignoring the glaring fact that Squidism is the anathema of serious riding. Yes, I said anathema. Look it up. 

 Thongs, shorts, T-shirt, headphones and no hands on the bars. Yup, this Squid is ticking all the boxes. I hope he's carrying a will kit in one of those saddle bags.

My collision was not my fault and I was the victim of driver incompetence. As a result I had people I had never met offering me help online, people I hadn't spoken to in years contacting me to organise a visit and friends and co-workers, even my landlord for Christsakes, all offering not only their sympathy but practical offers of assistance. If I had have been the cause of the collision that almost crippled me for life, I doubt that level of help and sympathy would have been so forthcoming. With injuries that are entirely your fault, good will only goes so far and you'll find it may not go very far at all. And like I said, if you find yourself smashed to bits with months of healing to do, you'll need every bit of help you can get. 

The last thing to consider is the message you are sending to the world. Riding like a dickhead isn't impressive, contrary to what many Squids believe. Pulling a stoppie at a set of lights will have people think, "That was kinda cool. But what a fucking dickhead." Only other Squids respect Squids and the vast majority of the general public look at Squids, whether at the lack of gear or their behaviour, and label them dangerous, irresponsible wankers. I know a lot of people reading this will disagree and possibly be offended by these comments, but my intention isn't to offend anyone but to shed some light on the risks of not gearing up.

 This guy has the Ponds Institute on speed dial. "I'm, running low on Squid Skin Builder Cream. Send around another crate, STAT!"

Lastly, remember that other riders...non-Squids, will look at you and to be honest, there will be some resentment. The customary friendly nod is often replaced with a disappointed shake of the head. I was on  group ride once and one rider in front of me would return the nod of any gearless rider in the oncoming lane with a raised middle finger. I asked him why at the next stop and his answer was simple: "I hate those cunts. They make us all look like fuckwits."  A little harsh perhaps, but it's an indication of some of the strong feelings Squids inspire in riders who take their riding, and their safety, a little more seriously.  

  Despite extensive market research, Levis new 'Torn to Shreds and Soaked in Blood' cut jeans proved unpopular with consumers. 

So to finish the same way I began, whatever you wear when you ride is your choice, just make an informed choice. Personally, wear whatever you want and if I'm on the bike and come across you all stripped and bleeding as the result of a crash don't worry, I'll stop. I'll move your bike out of harms way, call you an ambulance and even wait with you until they arrive. Then I'll continue my ride safe in the knowledge that you'll hopefully never ride without adequate gear next time. 

I'll leave you with this thought and two clips. The first is TAC ad showing the result of road rash and the second shows how effective quality protective gear is. Consider this, in the 2013 season Marquez came off 16 times. The times he suffered an injury? Zero.